12May2025
Ive never imagined my own diary would become a battlefield of love, loss and bewilderment, yet here I am, spilling the raw of today onto these pages.
It started with a heated argument in our modest terraced house in Manchester. Jane, my wife, clutched her hair in frustration and blurted, Lets put Lily back in care! I stared at her, flabbergasted. What on earth do you mean, put back? I asked, my voice barely a whisper.
She snapped, Exactly that! Weve got a baby on the way, why should we keep someone elses? I tried to steady my breath. Darling, this is what God intends for us a blessing for helping that little orphan find a home. You were the one who pushed for her adoption!
She replied, eyes wet, I was desperate for a child of my own. What family is complete without kids? Lily, a fiveyearold with curls that bounced like springs, had been peeking from behind the bedroom door, clutching a wornout teddy. She could not fathom the words shed just heard: she wasnt truly ours? She would be sent back to the childrens home? Tears streamed down her cheeks. Shed been over the moon at the thought of a new brother or sister, yet now the very prospect of our own child threatened to strip her of the parents she knew.
Sensing her distress, I rose from the bed and went to the door. Lily stood there, sobbing, eyes as wide as saucers. Dad, am I not your real daughter? she asked, voice trembling. I scooped her up, pressing her against my chest. Of course you are, sunshine. Youre family, no matter what.
She sniffed, But you said you might send me back to the home!
I tried to explain, We took you in, but that doesnt make you any less ours. Moms hormones are all over the place with the pregnancy. Lets get you tucked in, alright?
Later that evening, Jane erupted, Ill leave you both and youll never see our child again! I want a proper family, no outsiders! I tried to calm her, Jane, there are no outsiders. Lily is our daughter.
She snarled, I didnt give birth to her! She isnt my child! Choose me or her!
I helped Lily pack a small bag. Youll stay with Grandma Margaret for a while, so Mum doesnt get too nervous. Once the baby arrives, Mum will settle, and well bring you home, okay? Lily nodded, grateful to avoid the childrens home. She adored Margaret, who always had a biscuit or a slice of cake ready.
Gran, if Mum tries to give me back to the home, can I stay with you instead? Lily asked as she stepped onto the doorstep. Margaret gave my son a stern look, then smiled, Of course, my little princess. Your mothers just nervous, thats all.
For the next two months Lily lived with Margaret. I was torn between long shifts at the factory and the hours I spent at the hospital, where Jane lay on a ward, her pregnancy precarious. One bright morning, while Margaret was making tea, Lily spotted my car outside the window and squealed, Dads home!
Margaret frowned; I never arrived before noon. She ushered Lily into the kitchen and went to meet me. I walked in, shoulders heavy, and said, Jane passed away last nights labour. She didnt survive the delivery, and the baby didnt make it either. I sank onto the hall bench, exhausted.
We three sat in silence, the teacups cooling untouched.
Mom, Im taking Lily back. She belongs with us now, I told Margaret. She looked at me, eyes soft, If you need a roof over your head, youre welcome here.
Thank you, Mum, I whispered, the word tasting both gratitude and grief.
The next week Lilys eyes lit up at the sight of new school uniforms and a bright pink backpack. She was about to become a proper schoolgirl. As the front door creaked open, I entered with a slender, nervous woman at my side.
Lily, meet Lisa. Shell be moving in with us, I announced, forcing a smile.
Lisa offered Lily a small bouquet. For your first day of September.
Lily muttered a gruff Hello, and retreated to her room, ignoring the flowers. My voice followed, Dont be upset, love. Shes a good girl.
Lisa replied, Im sure well become fast friends.
Lily slammed the door, the sound echoing like a verdict.
Lisa and I married quietly a few weeks later. My career took a turn; I was promoted to shift supervisor, which meant I was often away. The weight of Lilys upbringing fell largely on Lisas shoulders. She did everything she could: helped with homework, attended parentteacher meetings, took Lily to the cinema and a local café. Over time Lilys walls crumbled and she began to trust her stepmother. The house felt like a haven.
At the end of the school year, another shock hit: Lisa announced she was pregnant. Lily withdrew to her room, sobbing. Lisa stood at the door, pleading, Lily, please dont cry. I love you, Ill never give you away. Well always be together, my darling.
Lilys tearstreaked face emerged, Really?
Yes, my sweet. Youre my own.
Months later Lily cradled a tiny baby boy, marveling at his tiny fingers. Mum, look how funny he is! she giggled, accidentally calling Lisa Mum. Lisa, eyes glistening, embraced her.
Two more years passed and Lily entered Year4 when tragedy struck: I was killed in a car crash. The house fell into a hushed gloom. Lily and Lisa went through the motions, caring for baby Colin, but words were scarce; tears came unbidden. Colin didnt understand, whined, and threw tantrums. One night, while he slept, Lisa whispered to Lily, We cant keep living like this. Dads gone, but life goes on. Lets stop drowning in sorrow.
Lily nodded, Youre right.
Just as we began to find a new rhythm, a stern woman in a navy coat knocked on the door. She introduced herself as a socialservices inspector and demanded that Lily be placed in care, claiming we were orphaned.
Lisa protested, What about us?
The inspector demanded adoption papers, which we had none. There you have it, she sneered. Grandma is too old to provide, and youre not fit either. Pack up, Eleanor!
Lily, for once, felt nothing. She had expected this nightmare. Ill get you out of there! Lisa shouted, but Lily just stared, numb. She thought, Who would want a orphan now that Dads gone? Im useless.
Lisa visited the childrens home occasionally, but Lily shut the door on her. Over time, Lisas visits dwindled until they stopped altogether.
Just what I deservedplaying mother, Lily thought, a bitter smile forming.
Two months later, a boisterous boy named Vicky barged into Lilys room. Lily, the matron wants you in a family home! the matron announced. Congratulations, youve been placed!
Lily retorted, I dont want any family! Im cursed with them!
She was told to pack and go to her new parents. She obeyed, indifferent to what lay ahead.
Outside the childrens home, Lisa stood, hair disheveled. What are you doing here? Lily asked flatly.
Im here for you.
Ive already been adopted.
Thats me.
Yes? Lilys eyes widened, a flicker of joy breaking through.
Exactly! I told you youre my own child and Ill never hand you over. A single mothers path is hard, but Ive proved I can give you a decent lifebribes and all, of course. So were a proper family now. Come on, Colin misses you!
For the first time in months, a genuine smile crept across Lilys face. I close this entry feeling the weight lift a little, knowing that even after the darkest storms, a sliver of light can break through.
