**Diary Entry 12th October**
*Its your fault I dont have a family!* Emily shouted as she stormed out, slamming the door behind her. The words still echo in my ears.
*Aunt Margaret, do you ever regret not having children?* shed asked abruptly, setting down her half-finished cup of tea. The question caught me off guard. Emily had come round after weeks of silence, and wed been chatting about work, the weathernothing out of the ordinary. Then, out of nowhere, this.
*What a strange thing to ask, love,* I replied carefully, smoothing the lace doily on the side table. *Life unfolds as it does, doesnt it? Not everyones meant to be a mother.*
*But doesnt it make you sad? All alone* Her gaze was piercing, studying every line on my face.
I laughed awkwardly. Outside, the October drizzle tapped against the window. The flat was warm, tidythe way I always kept it when family visited. Not that theres much family left. Just Emily, my late brothers daughter.
*Why are you asking?* I tried shifting the subject. *Is everything alright with James?* Shed been seeing him for three years, and Id hoped for an engagement soon.
*We broke up,* she said flatly, turning to the window. *A month ago.*
*Oh, love! Why didnt you say? I couldve*
*What could youve done?* She spun round, sharp as a knife. *Patted my head? Said better luck next time?*
There was a bitterness in her voice Id never heard before. Emily had always been quiet, politethen a studious girl, now a successful accountant. I was proud of her.
*Em, whats wrong? Youre not yourself today.*
*Not myself?* She stood, pacing like a caged animal. *What self should I be? Smiling, pretending everythings fine? Thirty-two, and still no life of my own?*
I watched helplessly as she stopped by the old dresser, picking up a photo of usher just a child, me still young.
*I was seven when Mum and Dad died in that crash,* she said quietly. *Remember how I came to live with you?*
*Of course, darling. We got through it together.* I stood, reaching for her, but she stepped away.
*Got through it. But I didnt understand then. I thought it was temporary. That theyd come back.*
*Em, why bring this up now? We talked about it*
*We never talked!* Her voice cracked. *You decided for methat Id stay here, that it was best!*
A lump rose in my throat. Did she forget how hard it was? Twenty-eight, freshly divorced, career in shamblesand suddenly, a child to raise.
*I was young too, love. I mightve made mistakes, but I tried*
*Tried?* She laughed bitterly. *You locked me in this flat! No clubs, no friendsjust school and home, home and school!*
*Thats not true! You had friends*
*What friends? Youd say, Why bother with people? Homes safer. You killed every interest I haddrama club, dancingall a waste of time!*
I sank into the chair. Id thought I was protecting herfrom bad influences, from trouble.
*I wanted to keep you safe*
*Safe from what? Life? People?* She set the photo down hard. *Now I cant even hold a conversation, let alone a relationship!*
*Youre a good person, educated*
*Educated, yes! But I freeze up around men. Im awkward, closed offjust like you!*
The words stung. Id always thought myself cautious, not cowardly.
*Em, I know youre hurting over James*
*This isnt about James!* she cried. *Hes the fourth! Fourth one to leave because Im too closed off, too scared! Know what he said? Youre like a ghost. Work, telly, bedno spark, no life.*
*Emily!* The crudeness shocked me.
*Dont like the truth?* She pressed her forehead to the cold windowpane. *All my friends are married, with kids. And me? I sit here, wondering whats wrong with me.*
*Nothings wrong*
*Everythings wrong!* She whirled round. *Im repeating your life! Alone, afraidjust like you!*
*My life?*
*Yes! Even with Uncle Robert, you were miserableletting him walk all over you!*
My fists clenched. Robert had been a bully, but she was just a child then.
*You dont know what it was like,* I whispered.
*I heard him shout. Saw you cry. And when he left for that secretary, you didnt even fight!*
*Why fight if he wanted out?*
*Exactly! You gave up. And you taught me to do the same!*
She paced again, restless.
*Worst part?* Her voice broke. *Ive realisedyou didnt raise me as a daughter. You raised me as company for your loneliness.*
The truth of it hit me like a blow.
*You never wanted me happy,* she said. *You wanted me here.*
*Thats not*
*Admit it! Every time I mentioned a boyfriend, you sulked. You were scared Id leave.*
I couldnt deny it. The thought of being alone terrified me.
*Em, what do we do now?*
*Nothing to do. Im thirty-twofull of fears you planted.* She hugged her knees. *My therapist says I need to cut ties. Move out.*
*Move out?* The words chilled me.
*Yes. Learn to live without your shadow.*
*But this is your home*
*This is a prison!* She stood abruptly. *And I wont inherit it. When youre gone, Ill give it to charity.*
*Emily! Its yours*
*No. Its payment for stolen years.* Her voice shook. *You robbed me of a life. And I wont take a brick of this place.*
The door slammed. The rain kept falling. And I sat there, alone with the silence.
