**Diary Entry 12th March**
Lena called today, and I wish she hadnt. Her voice was all pity, like she was delivering bad news at a funeral. *”Were all so sorry, Emily, really we are. But none of us want troubleespecially not this sort.”*
I felt like someone had tipped a bin over my headfilthy, cold, humiliating.
*”We all feel for you,”* she went on, careful, like I was made of glass. *”But no one wants to take risks. Youve got well, you know.”*
As if I carried the plague.
*”Im not contagious!”* I snapped. *”Whered you even get that idea?”*
She hesitated. *”We know about James. What he brought home.”*
*”You know nothing! Yes, I had issues, but Im fine now!”*
*”From what Ive heard its lifelong. We just cant risk it.”* Her voice was thick with guilt. *”Youd do the same. No one blames you. Sorry, Em”*
The line went dead. I dropped the phone like it burned.
Six months. Six months since my so-called friends forgot I existed. The odd *”How are you?”* text, but no invitesnot even to birthdays. Id see the photos later, everyone grinning without me.
I thought maybe Id offended someone. Or theyd heard whispers. But no one bothered to ask. Not till I cornered Lena. And now I wished I hadnt.
Funny how it started.
Quiet evenings. Soup going cold on the hob. Unread messages in our chatmine, not his. James was always “working late.”
At first, I was furious. Then worried. Then just numb.
*”Mad rush for loans,”* hed say. *”Everyones jumping into business. Loads of overtime.”*
But hed changed. More grooming, phone always locked, sudden weekend shiftsno complaints. James, who used to moan about haircuts *twice a year*.
I noticed. Pretended not to. Just a rough patch, right? Then the pain started. Googled it. Prayed it was nothing. When it didnt stop, I saw the doctor.
One sentence turned my life upside down. *”Youll have questions for your husband.”*
I sat on the bench outside, staring at the floor. The walk home was a blur.
James lied at first. Denied everything.
*”You probably gave it to me!”* he snapped.
Then the truth. A mistress. No remorse.
*”I was tired. You wanted attention. Things were badyou did nothing.”*
No apology. Just, *”Can we fix this?”*
*”Nothing to fix,”* I said. *”Not after your little gift.”*
The divorce was easy. No fights. Almost like he was relieved.
But the damage was done.
*”Youre healthy now,”* the doctor said later. *”But fertility might be an issue.”*
*”I cant have children?”*
*”Chances are significantly reduced.”*
NHS-speak for *”no hope.”* My cousin, a nurse, put it bluntly: *”If you conceive, itll be a miracle.”*
Thats when the dream died.
I grew up with three brotherschaos, noise, stolen sweets, fights over the telly. I wanted that for my kids. Now I sat alone in my flat, replaying the doctors words.
That night, I cracked. Called Katy. Wed been friends since nursery, through uni, everything.
*”Kat be my shoulder tonight,”* I begged.
She came. Listened as I sobbed about James, the future Id lost.
*”Im terrified of being alone,”* I whispered.
*”Youre not,”* she said, holding me. *”Youve got family. Me. Youll never be alone.”*
I believed her.
Made her swear to keep it quiet.
*”Course!”* she said. *”Mums the word.”*
Turns out, *mum* couldnt keep her mouth shut.
After Lenas call, I rang Katy.
*”Oh. Em. Hi!”* Too bright. Too forced.
*”Yeah. Hi. Wonder why weve not met up?”*
Silence.
*”What dyou mean?”*
*”Dont play dumb. Everyone thinks Ive got the bloody Black Death! Only you knew.”*
A sigh.
*”Em I didnt say *what* was wrong. Just told Annie you had woman troubles. She mustve jumped to conclusions.”*
*”After I asked you *not* to say anything?”*
*”I didnt think itd spread! I was worriedyou looked rough!”*
I closed my eyes. Good intentions, disastrous results.
*”When youre worried, you dont gossip. I trusted you.”*
*”Im sorry! I didnt mean”*
*”You never do. Thats the problem.”*
I hung up. Held a pillow like it could hug back. No texts buzzing. No plans.
All those people I leaned on? Gone. Turns out, the only thing you can trust is a pillowsoft, silent, and itll never betray you.
**Lesson learned:** Some secrets are too heavy to share. Even with friends.
