Id admired her ever since we were undergraduates at the University of Leeds. It was a blind, naïve kind of devotion, and when she finally noticed me I lost my head completely. To be honest, it happened a few years after wed both graduated we ended up in the same firm in Manchester, sharing the same specialty. It didnt seem odd, but I told myself it was fate.
She was the woman Id always dreamed of. At the time I didnt mind that she was already married; Id never been married myself and I couldnt imagine what it felt like to watch a marriage crumble. So when I decided to leave my wife for her, I felt no shame. Who could have guessed it would bring me so much pain? As the saying goes, you cant build your happiness on someone elses misery.
When she chose me, I was on cloud nine and ready to forgive anything. Yet in everyday life she wasnt the perfect ladyinwaiting Id seen in public. Her belongings were scattered all over the flat, and she refused to wash the dishes. All the housework fell on my shoulders, but at that stage I didnt care a lick.
She quickly forgot her previous marriage. They hadnt had any children; it turned out her inlaws had pressured her into it. With me, she kept insisting everything would be different.
My bliss was shortlived, because everything changed when I discovered I was pregnant. At first, James was overjoyed about the baby. We even threw a big family gathering to celebrate, and everyone wished us love and good health for the little one on the way.
That evening remains one of my fondest memories and I have no regrets when I look back. But from that moment my blind love began to fade.
The larger my belly grew, the less I saw James. I was on maternity leave, so we only met late at night. He stayed late at the office and attended countless corporate parties. At first it didnt bother me, but soon it wore me out. The housework grew harder because I could no longer simply bend down and pick up his socks strewn about.
During that period I kept wondering whether wed rushed into having a child.
I knew feelings could dwindle over time, but I hadnt expected it to happen so fast. James still brought me flowers and chocolate, yet all I wanted then was his presence.
Soon it became obvious his frequent outings werent innocent. A colleague mentioned offhand that a new junior employee had joined our department. We were already shortstaffed, and when I went on maternity leave the situation worsened. How ironic.
I wasnt sure it was her, but my husband definitely had someone, because he never had a free minute. Either it was work, a meeting, or another corporate function he couldnt miss. One day I found a scrap of paper in the pocket of his coat with initials I didnt recognise. I dont know why I put it back, but I pretended not to see a thing.
Being alone at seven months pregnant was terrifying, and yet James kept complaining that Id become too nervous. Every argument ended with a sigh of disappointment from him. Somehow I realised that if I raised the issue, Id end up on my own. The fear of losing him was so strong I could think of nothing else. They say if you fear something enough, it eventually comes true.
No matter how suavely James had courted me, he was far from a gentleman. The worst words I ever heard were, Im not ready to be a father, and, Ive got someone else. I cant even recall exactly how he said them, but at that point I thought I was losing my mind.
I never imagined I could summon the courage to ask for a divorce. He didnt expect me to put up with his behaviour, nor that Id throw all his things out the next day. In hindsight Im grateful we rented a flat at least we didnt have to share it with anyone else.
And the baby? What will happen to him?
Ill manage. Ill work from home, and my parents have always offered help. My mother warned me he was a philanderer I should have listened.
It was probably my responsibility toward my future son that gave me confidence. Alone, I would never have had the guts to leave.
I also realised I didnt want to raise a child with a father like him. His betrayal was so cowardly that I wanted nothing more to do with him, as if a veil had finally lifted from my eyes.
The first months after the divorce, including the birth, were excruciating. I moved back in with my parents, which delighted my grandparents who were thrilled to have a grandson. I cant say I didnt miss James at all, but I tried not to think about him. Deep down I was sure Id made the right choice and that I could give my son everything he needed.
Then, out of the blue, he resurfaced.
It turns out James is full of remorse. He wants to meet his son. But do I want that? Perhaps I should even consider moving to another city, like Bristol, to start anew.
