Kate is a traditionallooking young woman who is desperate to get married. Nowadays most girls shrug at the idea of a wedding: why haul a whole pig into the house when one sausage will do? And sausages today come in every shape and size imaginable. Simple cohabitation is no longer scandalous; its even encouraged, unlike the days when modesty, pride and propriety were the only rules.
Even a lazy landlord like Oblomov isnt frowned upon nowafter all, his estate sends him a regular allowance, making him a rentier. If you hand a smartphone to a bloke like Ian, he instantly becomes a successful blogger with a nice gig. When it comes to family life, the motto is do as you please. Couples meet in hotels, rent rooms by the hour, and even talk about guest marriages instead of queuing at the registry office. Who knows what will happen after the ceremony? In the old days a mismatched pair of socks or a botched cabbage soup was a tragedy.
Nowadays there are scarier things: infantilism, mumsyndrome and chronic nothingtoblamebutme attitudes among men. And the nothingtoblamebutme habit isnt just for the lads; women love to admire their own looks, too. Both sexes now have endless demands beyond bread and entertainmentpeople expect you to cook for yourself and go shopping.
Kate is a pleasant exception: shes attractive, free of any trendy bodymodding, and she holds a prestigious university degree with a solid job that pays a decent salary in pounds. Yet, for some reason, men pass her by, forming relationships with others as if theyre marching off a conveyor belt into the same old traps.
It isnt that men are absentshes pretty, after allbut none of them ever get her to the registry office. Shes about to turn thirty next year, an age that used to be called the prime of womanhood back in the days of the welfare state, now pushed up to sixty for modern mothers. She doesnt want to have a baby on her own.
Kate also trusts horoscopes, or more precisely, astrological forecastsa clever invention of shrewd marketers to squeeze a few extra quid out of people. In these uncertain times every forecast is upbeat: On Tuesday morning youll meet a wealthy magnate destined to change your life. So she packs a toothbrush just in case, because she might need to impress a man with serious intentions.
She looks for a partner whose zodiac matches hers. Kate is a Sagittarius, a fire sign, and the only other fire signs are Aries and Leo, with Sagittarius being the most eventempered of the lot. Her first love sparks on her first year at universityan age now likened to nursery school in the eyes of older folk, who cant fathom what eighteenyearold teenagers know. They do know a thing or two about sex education, which today is far more straightforward than it once was. Off you go with your pollen and stamens, they say, weve heard enough.
After that, reality hits: she has to pay for utilities, transport and food. For the first time she must shop for groceries herself instead of raiding a communal fridge. Her parents used to fund her, but now she lives alone and two peoples wages dont stretch far enough. The discovery irks her boyfriend, who lives with her in the flat her grandmother bought her when she turned sixteen.
Are you not going to buy the groceries? he asks, genuinely puzzled.
Why should I? Kate replies, surprised.
But the fridge is yours, and Im not the master here! explains Dave, trying to sound logical.
If thats the only issue, Kate says cleverly, Ill hand you full controlrun the household as you wish.
Predictably, Dave disappears and stops greeting her, even though they share the same lecture stream. Being a fire sign, Kate blames the coincidence. Their wedding never materialises, but shes already drawing up plans.
Kate mourns a littleshe loves Dave, after all, and he was her first real boyfriend. Youth, however, moves on, and a second steady lover appears when shes in her third year at university. He isnt from the same campus; hes older, a bit like a sailor. Simon is over thirty, already divorced, and declares, Well get married, love! He promises a future together, yet he has no steady job. This was before the latest economic crunch and the specialist operations that have since made life even messier. Nonetheless, Simons life is riddled with permanent problems: he keeps getting sacked, his bosses are impossible, his hours are unbearable. He lives at home, eats on the cheap, and his mood swings make Kate feel down.
Maybe you could work as a courier? she suggests timidly.
Im an analyst! he boasts.
Cant an analyst be a courier? Kate asks. Drive and analyse, thats all you need. Im down to my last penny for food.
Ask your mum for a loan, he retorts. Tell her were having temporary hard times.
Ive been telling her that for two months! she snaps.
Time is a long thing, he quotes Mayakovsky, puffing himself up. Hows my erudition?
Kate replies, Then dont ask me for food. Times have changedmove on, get a grip! Shes sharp as well as clever, which makes Simon fume.
What are you suggesting I do with my legs? he erupts. You proposed that, didnt you? Its the first time hes heard a woman turn the tables.
No, I suggested it to Mayakovsky! Kate retorts. You can both go on together; let him feed you.
Simon, a Capricorn, is supposed to be one of the most hardworking and reliable signs, and Kate wonders whether the stars ever get it right.
The third suitor, Liam, also believes in astrology. They meet on an online forum about the stars, and their chats blossom into genuine affection. Yet Liam keeps calling their signs zodiacs in a way that irritates Kate.
Why do you keep mangling the word? she asks.
Its funny! he answers, grinning.
Kate thinks of her grandmothers wise words: You wont need anyone when everythings already sorted.
Liams speech is a jumble of madeup wordsSnedur, Stirvades, Dubina Regoviczthat spill from his lips like a badly rehearsed comedy routine. At fortyone, his jokes start to wear on Kate, whos now twentysix. Still, they both have good jobs, are financially independent, and Liam has an adult son from a previous marriage. At first hes shy, then he loosens up and goes full throttle.
A heated argument erupts at a family gathering when Kates grandfather, a retired civil servant with Polish roots, hears Liam refer to the famous Soviet revolutionary as Zerdinsky. The old man shrieks, Jesus, Mary, and Joseph! Get out of here, you scoundrel! The whole scene takes place at a wedding rehearsal, where they already see themselves as bride and groom.
Their attempt to register their partnership also stalls. Liam, a Taurus, is earthsign steady but notoriously touchy. Then Kate meets Peter, a man with no irritating habits at all. Hes divorced, childfree, handsome, reasonably welloff, educated, with a sharp sense of humour and a tidy onebed flat. Hes also frugal, a true Virgo, another earth sign known for careful budgetingperfect for a future family.
They apply to live together; Peter moves in and rents out his old flat. He asks Kate to register him, meaning to add him to the electoral roll at her address.
Why? Kate asks. Youre already registered at your own place! I get it if you have no address at alltoday you need one to do anything. But why now?
Peter, puzzled, replies, Because we love each other and want to be a family. Everything should be shared.
Kate recalls a joke: Write me into your flat, please! Oh, sorry, wrong startdo you believe in God? She laughs, and the conversation turns back to love.
Alright, Peter says after a pause, youve spoken well about love, family and sharing. Ill register you, and youll register me.
Where? Peter asks, eyes widening.
In my flateverything is ours now!
But you dont live there! Peter protests after a moments hesitation.
If thats the only issue, lets alternate monthsmine one month, yours the next, Kate offers, trying to be resourceful despite feeling a bit let down. She knows this solution leaves both of them with an empty space, a kind of fishinthepond scenario.
Peter falls silent; nothing clever comes to mind. He cant argue back.
What now? Kate presses, watching his thoughtful face. It seems sensible.
Theres nothing else to register a stranger in your flatif only he could move in with his future wife! Yet Peter is miserably stingy, clutching onto his money. Both sit in uncomfortable silence, unsure how to proceed. Pretending nothing happened is no longer an option.
Kate leaves the kitchen for the living room while they eat, letting Peter work out his thoughts. After about fifteen minutes, he returns and, as if nothings changed, asks, Kate, shall we go to the cinema?
Sure! she replies, relieved. He sighs, Im not angry; Ive already put a deposit down for a restaurant reservation.
She adds, So, will you register me, Pete? I didnt quite catch that.
Peter looks away, hesitates, and walks out. She doesnt stop him; at least they didnt spend money on a wedding they never had.
Do all couples end up like this? Some do, some dont. Two of Kates three close friends have married in a wayone for six months, another for a year. The third, like in a joke, slipped away slowly.
Kate herself has lived more than a month with a few civil partners, and love was there too. Love isnt just feelings; its actions and deeds. In many cases, the men didnt truly love Kate. As a cynical saying goes, There are no bad people, only bad matches.
Kate, now over thirty, stops obsessing over a wedding. She gets a promotion, upgrades her grandmothers tiny flat to a twobedroom one, buys a sleek foreignmade car, and takes a short holiday. She concludes that life has turned out well.
The childbearing age has been pushed up to sixty, meaning she could still have a baby for herself if she wanted. And sausages? Theyre everywhere, in every shop, just as plentiful as ever.
