HOW I HATED HER
A slightly crumpled sheet of paper lay in her desk drawer alongside her resignation letter. I picked it up, and something whispered to me that it was meant for my eyes. Suddenly, an old childhood game flashed through my mindthe way my mates and I used to play spies, writing secret notes to one another. Wed dab lemon juice onto a saucer or use milk as invisible ink, then scratch out our messages with toothpicks or cotton buds. Holding the paper over the gas hob would reveal the hidden words. Even she, Emily, and I had once joked about those childhood antics.
I barely waited for lunch break before hurrying home. Like a lovesick schoolboy, my hands trembled as I held the paper over the flame, heart pounding with anticipation. And I was rightof course I was. It *was* her letter. She was just as mad as I was!
*”If youre reading this, then I wasnt wrong about you,”* Emily had written. *”You figured out what to do with this sheet of paper. Things could have been so different. But I need you to know one thingby belittling me, you destroyed everything I ever felt for you. I think you even enjoyed your cruelty. Maybe thats all youre capable of. Just because someone hurt you once doesnt give you the right to mock those who wontor cantstrike back. Did you really think I couldnt have repaid you in kind? But then, that wouldnt have been me. You can win a battle and still lose the war. Dont look for me. Goodbye.”*
*Why?* The question looped in my mind*why had I hated her so fiercely, so violently?*
When she first walked in, it was like she brought sunlight, moonbeams, the scent of the sea, and the crash of waves all bottled into one. Birds burst into song, roses and daffodils bloomed in an instant. Im no romantic, but I *felt* it.
The air grew thick. My skin burned.
Emily wasnt a classic beauty, but there was something about hersomething that unravelled me. Not that I hadnt known stunning women before. Far from it. Blondes, brunettes, redheadsId had my fill. Brunettes with cropped hair were my weakness. Flowers, chocolates, perfume, datesId done it all. Loved and been loved. Quick to ignite, quicker to walk away if rejected.
My first love had left me gutted. But I learnedbetter to be the one in control than the one pleading.
And yet with her all I wanted was to bury my face in the warmth of her lap, trace my fingers over her soft, flawless skin, twist my hands in her chestnut waves, breathe her inendlessly, shamelessly.
Emily worked under me. Not that she was my best employee, but she was dependablenever missed a deadline, handled the toughest projects. Id shout at her just to relish my power, watch her shrink, defenceless. I *wanted* her to break, to cry, so I could wipe her tears and comfort her. Maybe then Id have changed.
I tried everything to get her attentiongifts, compliments, lingering stares. I ached to touch her, to *know* her thoughts. And I swore she felt it too.
Once, I pulled her into an embrace. She shoved me away, met my gaze without a word.
*How dare she?*
She was my equal, though I refused to see it. WorseI feared admitting she was the one woman I couldnt have. And that *infuriated* me.
I watched her navigate life, solve problems effortlessly. My mates smirked, assuming Id reeled her in. They wanted her too. But she was untouchable.
Id flaunt phone calls with other women, laughing, arranging datesjust to sting her. She never even glanced my way.
I *knew* she felt itthe same pull I did. Every fibre of me was certain. She needed this job. Shed never leave. Shed endure until the day she fell at my feet, and Id shower her with love.
But pride doesnt just break wallsit demolishes everything in its path.
On Friday, she didnt come in. She vanishedphone dead, email blocked. That minx left a project unfinished. Shed played me.
Like mist, she dissolved. Always just out of reach.
Id thought such things didnt happen.
How wrong I was.
They do.
And the cruelest lesson? The ones who haunt us most are those we never truly had.
