HOW I HATED HER
A slightly crumpled sheet of paper lay in her desk drawer alongside her resignation letter. I picked it up, and something told me it was meant for me. Suddenly, I remembered an old childhood gameplaying spies with the lads, writing secret notes. Wed dip toothpicks in lemon juice or milk, scribble our messages, then hold the paper over the stove to reveal the hidden words. Even with her, with Emily, wed once talked about those childish tricks.
I barely waited for lunch break before rushing home. Hands trembling, heart pounding like a lovestruck schoolboy, I held the paper over the gas flame. And I was rightof course I was. It was her letter. She was as mad as I was.
*If youre reading this, I wasnt wrong about you,* Emily had written. *You figured out what to do with this paper. Things could have been different. But humiliating me killed everything I ever felt for you. I think you even enjoyed it. Maybe thats all youre capable of. Just because youve been hurt doesnt mean you get to laugh at those who wontor cantfight back. Did you really think I couldnt have repaid you in kind? But then I wouldnt be me.*
*You can win the battle and still lose the war. Dont look for me. Goodbye.*
*Why?* I keep asking myselfover and over. *Why did I hate her so terribly, so fiercely?*
She walked in like she carried sunlight, moonlight, the salt of the sea, and the whisper of waves all at once. Birds burst into impossible, fairytale songs. Roses, tulips, peoniesthey bloomed in an instant. Im no romantic, but I swear I felt it.
The room grew stifling. I burned.
Emily wasnt some classic beauty, but she had something that drove me madsomething I couldnt even name. Think I havent seen beautiful women? Ive known plenty. Blondes, brunettes, redheadsthough Ive always had a weakness for brunettes with short hair. Flowers, chocolates, perfume, datesId had it all. Loved and been loved. Burned fast, walked away without a second thought if rejected, found someone more willing.
I remember my first heartbreak. It wrecked me. Then I learnedbetter to hold the power than beg for it.
But with her? I just wanted to press my face into the warmth of her lap, trace her soft, porcelain skin, twist my fingers through her chestnut curls, breathe her inendlessly, recklessly.
Emily worked under me. Not my best employee, but the one I relied on. She never missed a deadline, handled my toughest projects without a word. Id shout at her, relish the way she shrank under my glareso fragile, so defenceless. I wanted her weaker. If shed just cried, just once, it wouldve been my victory. Id have wiped her tears, comforted her. Maybe then Id have changed.
I tried everything to get her attention. Chocolates, compliments, looks that shouldve said it all. I wanted to touch hernot just her body, but her thoughts, her desires. And I nearly did. I swore she felt the same.
When she was near, it was like scalding water poured over me.
Once, I pulled her into an embrace. She shoved me away, silent, eyes locked on mine.
*How dare she?*
She was my equal, but I refused to see it. WorseI was terrified to admit she was mine. But she wasnt. And that infuriated me.
Watching her navigate life was fascinating. She solved problems with quiet grace. My mates smirked, thinking Id hooked her, itching for their own chance. It stungbecause it wasnt true.
She was untouchable.
Id flirt with other women on the phone in front of her, hoping for jealousy. She never glanced my way. Just silence.
I *knew* she felt it too. In my bones, my blood. She *had* to. I didnt just believe itI was certain.
She needed this job. Shed stay, endure, until she knelt at my feet, and Id shower her with love. I wanted that so badly.
But pride doesnt just break wallsit demolishes everything in its path.
On Friday, she didnt come in. Phone off, email blocked. That little minx left a project unfinished. Shed set me up.
Then she vanished, like mist. Always just out of reach, yet close enough to touchif only Id stretched far enough.
I thought it couldnt happen.
How wrong I was.
It happens.
