Emma! We need to have a serious talk
Her husband came home and, still wearing his shoes and coat, blurted out from the doorway: Emma! We need to have a serious talk Then, without even pausing for breath, his already wide eyes growing even larger, he rushed on:
Ive fallen in love!
*Oh dear*, Emma thought. *So, the midlife crisis has finally come knocking at our door. Well, hello there* But she said nothing, just studied her husband carefullysomething she hadnt done in at least five or six years (or was it eight?).
They say your whole life flashes before your eyes before you diewell, Emmas entire married life began flashing before hers. Theyd met in the most ordinary wayonline. Emma had shaved off three years from her age, her future husband had added a couple of inches to his height, and somehow, despite the odds, theyd squeezed into each others search criteria and found each other.
She couldnt remember who messaged whom first, but she knew his first message had been free of sleaze, with just the right touch of self-deprecating humoursomething shed liked immediately. At thirty-three, with average looks, she was realistic about her prospects on the dating scene. She knew she wasnt exactly first pick, so she made a firm decision before their first date: bite her tongue, keep her ears open, wear rose-tinted glasses and lace lingerie, and tuck a homemade biscuit and a copy of Jane Austen into her handbag.
Surprisingly, the first date went smoothly (*proof that playing the part works!*), and their romance moved fast. They enjoyed each others company so much that, after six months of steady datingand relentless pressure from parents whod given up hope of ever seeing grandchildrenhe finally proposed. They hurriedly introduced their families, agreed on a small wedding, and, terrified someone might change their mind, booked the first available date.
Life, as far as Emma was concerned, was good. Their home had a warm, tropical climateno scorching African passions, just steady, respectful affection. Wasnt that happiness?
Her husband, being a straightforward sort of man, shed his tight-fitting sensitive, romantic, teetotal handyman persona within weeks of marriage, revealing himself as he truly wasa hardworking, caring bloke in comfy trackies.
Emma, more complex by nature, loosened the corset of her sexy, intellectual homemaker act slowly at first, but pregnancy sped things up. Within a year, she too had shed her straining façade with relief, slipping into a cosy dressing gown instead.
The fact that neither had run for the hillsor even complainedafter dropping their pretenses only confirmed Emmas belief that shed made the right choice. It strengthened her faith in their little family unit.
Raising two children, born one after the other, rocked their boatsometimes violentlybut they never capsized. Once the storm passed, theyd drift back into calm waters, steady as ever.
Happy grandparents helped where they could. At work, they climbed the ladder slowly but surely, still finding time to travel, pursue hobbies, and tend to each otherall while staying perfectly average.
Twelve years married, and not once had her husband been caught flirting, let alone cheating. Emma wasnt the jealous typehe couldve gotten away with itbut the idea of him flirting was so ridiculous she nearly laughed. Early on, after a few failed attempts at traditional compliments, hed given up and settled for silent admirationor maybe ultrasonic praise, beyond her hearingjust staring at her like a wide-eyed lemur.
Over the years, Emma had learned to read his emotions by the roundness of his eyeswild admiration, quiet approval, stunned surprise, baffled confusion, or outright outrage. Now she pictured him making moon-eyed compliments to some *rat*, his pupils dilating wider and wider
Her throat went dry. Fighting a nervous smile, she croaked:
So whats this rats name, then?
His eyes *did* nearly pop out of his head this time. Fumbling, stammering, he spluttered:
Whhow did youhow did you even*know* it was a rat?! Bloody hell Look, I couldnt just walk past her, shes incredibleyouve got to see how soft she is, how pretty shes just like you
From inside his coat, he produced a tiny grey rat with pink, translucent ears, a twitching pink nose, and beady black eyes.
