13December
Im sitting at the kitchen table, cupping a mug of tea, watching the world outside the window. The first snowflakes are drifting lazily down, finally settling on the pavement. The flat smells of freshly brewed coffee and something homely the sort of scent that, after a while, feels like the very essence of everyday life. James is at the stove, stirring something in the pan, glancing over at me now and then with that familiar grin that still manages to warm me from the inside.
We arent talking, yet the silence between us isnt awkward or heavy. Its warm, alive, like a gentle breath. It feels as though words are unnecessary everything is already understood.
How it began
There was a time when I couldnt have imagined love being as light as this morning. I used to be terrified of love. In previous relationships I found myself constantly checking my partners phone, searching for hidden meanings in every sentence, trying to guess what he really felt. It was like living in a besieged castle always on guard, always waiting for the next blow.
After a particularly painful breakup, I confided in my friend Claire:
Maybe I just dont know how to love without fear.
Or perhaps you simply havent met the right person yet, she replied.
I didnt believe her then.
Then James appeared, and everything changed.
The unexpected meeting
We met in the most ordinary of places a little bookshop on Charing Cross Road. I was hunting for a new novel to curl up with in the evening, and he was standing at the same shelf, leafing through a volume but looking hesitant to take it home.
If youre not sure, just grab it, I said halfjokingly.
What if I dont like it? he smiled.
And what if you do?
He laughed, and there was something in that laugh that felt instantly familiar.
We struck up a conversation, moved on to a coffee shop, then wandered through the streets until it was well past my usual quitting time, even though we both should have been at work in an hour. From the very start, everything felt uncomplicated.
Simple doesnt mean boring
Two years on, I sometimes catch myself remembering the old belief that love must be a storm of passion, jealousy, makeups, and fresh fights. With James its different. He doesnt get jealous over my colleagues, I dont panic when he stays out with friends, and we never play silent games to teach each other a lesson.
One evening I asked, Do you ever get bored with me?
He looked at me, genuinely surprised.
Bored? No. Im not a theme park, love. Youre my person.
That was the whole point.
Love without fear
Love without fear isnt the absence of problems, nor is it a perpetual holiday or a flawless picture. Its when:
You dont feel the need to snoop through his phone because you know theres nothing to hide.
You arent scared of looking foolish, tired, or imperfect.
You can be silent, angry, laughing, or even missing him, and still be understood.
You dont anticipate traps, because you trust.
Even on the most ordinary days like tonight, with an underseasoned dinner, snow framing the window and the soft glow of the lamp I feel happiness already here. It isnt loud or flashy. Its quiet, warm and reliable.
Just together
James leans over and puts his hands on my shoulders.
Thinking about something? he asks.
Just happy, I reply.
Happy about what?
Happy that youre here.
He kisses the top of my head.
Shall we eat?
Lets.
I nestle my cheek against his shoulder as we walk to the table. Theres no theatrical flourish, no forced tenderness my body simply reaches for him like a flower to the sun. He slides his hand over mine, warm and a little rough from a days work, utterly familiar.
We sit opposite each other. Today belongs to us.
He meets my gaze, pauses a beat.
What? I laugh.
Nothing. Just watching.
He says that a lot. Just watching. No hidden agenda, no ulterior motive. As if simply knowing I exist in his world is enough.
Later, after weve washed the dishes him washing, me drying, as we always do we settle on the sofa. He scrolls through his phone, I flick through my feed, occasionally reading a funny quote out loud. He rests his head on my lap, and I instinctively run my fingers through his hair a ritual older than our relationship.
Maybe we could go to the cinema tomorrow? he asks, eyes closed.
Whats on? I tease.
I dont know. But we dont really mind, do we?
I grin. We really dont.
I tilt my head and kiss his forehead. He opens his dark, warm eyes.
What? he chuckles.
Nothing, I smile. Just love.
Our love never bursts into fireworks. Its more like this house cosy, sturdy, unshakable. A place you can always return to. Day after day, kiss after kiss, silence after silence.
Just. Together. Forever.
