So you mean he actually wants to come back? Mary doesnt catch the meaning when Alex tells her about his father. Weve been strangers for almost fifteen years since the divorce.
Its true, Alex admits, searching for the right words. I understand that people make mistakes when theyre young, but now theres nothing left to share.
Theres nothing left between us at all, the woman says, puzzled. You and Eleanor are grown, you have your own families and you decide who to keep in touch with. What does that make me?
He just knows you wont listen to him, so he asked me and my sister to put in a word, Alex explains. It would be easier for Eleanor and me if we knew you were still living together and supporting each other.
Mary is still halflistening to her son when her daughter calls and the same painful subject resurfaces.
Mum, please understand, its our father and his health is failing, the girl says.
When your father was young and full of energy, he never even thought about me. Now everything suddenly changes, Megan tries not to get worked up. Maybe youve forgotten that he left me and you both for another woman years ago!
Theyre long since separated, and it would be nice for you two to live together now that youre getting older, Diana presses her point.
Mary feels a heaviness settle after the conversation. She has given everything to the children, never trying to rebuild her own life after the divorce because she feared hurting them; both of them were still adolescents when their parents split. Now it seems they speak different languages and barely hear each other. A memory of the day Alan left flashes through her mind, making it worse.
You know, I dont love you any more, he said then, avoiding eye contact. Ive found another woman and I want to spend the rest of my days with her.
What about us, the kids? she asked, her voice trembling.
Youll carry on as before, just without me, he replied. The flat stays with you; Ill see the children when I can and help with money, but I dont love you any longer.
Did you ever think how theyd take your departure at this age? Megan could barely believe it.
Theyll manage, theyll learn the details of adult life; its wrong to live without love, forgive me, he said, closing the conversation.
Alan kept his word. He never claimed the house in the divorce and stayed with his new partner. He met the children only on neutral ground, too shy to step back into the flat, while his new partner never invited them over. Megan once tried to explain the reasons for the split to her son and daughter, but they didnt want the details.
Father told us it was his decision and asked us to respect it, Alex says now, having grown up. Its hard with Eleanor, but eventually it will settle.
For Mary nothing settles on its own. She still longs for her exhusband, cries into her pillow at night, and refuses any friends suggestions to set her up with another man. He only reminds her of himself when he calls about the children, once even mentioning a fishing trip.
Were planning a holiday, and I left the fishing gear on the loft as I was leaving, Alan says over the phone. Could I pick it up on Saturday? I asked the kids to bring it, but they didnt understand where it is.
All right, come over, Mary replies calmly.
She spends the days waiting for Saturday, rehearsing the conversation. She decides to show Alan that she can live fine without him, even planning to meet him at the parade, then changes her mind, thinking it would look ridiculous.
Youve lost weight, she says, watching Alan pack his boxes. Is your new wife not feeding you?
She does, I just work a lot, he mutters, avoiding any talk of his new life.
If you need, I could cook for you or pass on recipes of your favourite dishes, Mary blurted, aware how absurd it sounded but unable to stop herself.
Sarcasm isnt your style, Tom, Alans brother, says wearily. Were strangers now. Well always share the kids, later the grandchildren, and thats it.
Are you sure about that? Mary asks, hopeful.
Yes, he answers firmly.
After that Alan returns to his new wife, and Mary sits alone in the kitchen, tears slipping down for herself. In the year after the divorce she loses a lot of weight, then tries to pull herself together. It isnt easy; she pretends to be happy while deep down she still hopes Alan will have a change of heart and come back. She knows people will judge, but shes ready to take him back and forget the past.
Dad and his woman split up, the children tell Mary three years later. Hes moved into a room in a student hall.
That news oddly gives her a flicker of hope that Alan might return. Mary starts dressing stylishly, looks after herself, and waits for his first move. Her friends think shes making a mess of her love life but dont push for details, so she deflects with jokes. She waits, Alan doesnt come back, and later he ends up with another woman. He even attends his sons wedding, but shows up alone at Eleanors.
Why alone? Mary asks.
Irene was on a business trip, she couldnt make it, but she sends her congratulations, Alan says calmly.
With time Mary looks at things differently, stops waiting, and finds solace in work. She buys a cottage in the countryside and spends her free hours on herself. The children have built their own lives, and she fills hers with friends, relatives, flowers, and even a stray cat she brings home. Life finally feels settled, until a few days later she is again unsure what to do. Then she sees Alan at the flats entrance, returning from work.
You see, I thought we should leave the bad things behind, he says, sitting at the kitchen table with a mug of tea. Most of life is already behind us; the negativity has overgrown, and theres no point in dwelling on it. Lets live out the rest together and raise grandkids later.
Tell me honestly, why did you choose to come back to our flat rather than stay with any of your other partners? Mary asks without pretending joy.
My health isnt what it used to be; Im retiring next year, Alan answers plainly. I figured our children are good people; they wont abandon you, even in old age, and will bring you a glass of water.
Do you remember saying we were strangers? she says, looking into the eyes of the man she once loved. I only understood it later, and now I fully agree.
So you wont take me back? he asks.
Dont worry, you already said the kids are good; theyll never leave you, Mary replies. You crossed me out of your life years ago; let it stay that way.
Alan leaves again, and Mary remains seated in her favourite armchair. She switches off her phone, knowing he will soon call the children, and they will start bombarding her with questions and advice. All she wants now is quiet and peace. She waited for his return for so long that everything finally burns out. If Alan had spoken of wanting to grow old together, perhaps she would have taken him back. Instead he cares only for his own comfort, and no one wants to console Mary. She still has her children, friends, cottage, and cat, and that now feels more than enough.
