Life hasnt worked out for me. No matter how you look at it. Well, except for one thingmy daughter. There are problems, of course, but nothing too terrible, nothing that cant be sorted. But as for the rest
“Youre just being ungrateful,” my grandmotherwell, my mother, reallywould always say. “Look at poor Linda next door, fighting tooth and nail with hers! Your father gave me more than a few bruises in his time, and Ive worn the same dress for years now”
It always made me feel ashamed and resentful at the same time. There was always that unspoken reproach in her words, as if I couldve bought her a new dress. But how? Anthony had stopped giving me money ages ago. I scrimped and saved, denying myself everything, and it still wasnt enough. Mum said these things casually, but far too often.
“Look at Paulines daughtershe bought her mother new slippers and a lovely dressing gown from the market,” shed sigh.
“Mum, I dont have the money right now. Sophies at university, and I want her to dress well, not worse than the others,” Id defend myself.
“I wasnt asking,” shed shrug, then wander offto put the kettle on, or fetch something from the fridge. Avoiding the conversation. I could see it in her faceshe was disappointed in her useless daughter.
“And look around you! Your mother-in-law doesnt eat you alive, at least. She always gives you a decent bit of cash for birthdays.”
No, she didnt eat me aliveshe took great big bites instead. Every time Anthony visited her, hed ignore me for a week afterward, staring at me like I was a slug in his salad, with that same disgust. As if I werent even human. All because of her. She knew exactly how to twist things. Some people praise you in a way that makes you wish theyd just curse you outright. At least then itd be honest.
“Oh, Annies so busy, of course she hasnt had time to iron your shirts properly.”
Or: “Youre such a handsome man, such a good man! Married beneath yourself and still so humble! Thank God Sophie takes after you. Oh, what a tragedy if shed turned out like Annie!” All while shaking her head sympathetically. Drip, drip, dripword by word, until any man would straighten his invisible crown. And Anthony did just that, looking at me like some rich benefactor eyeing a beggar.
“And look at Natalies brutecheating on her with every skirt in sight,” Mum continued her little therapy session.
“Anthony cheats too,” I snapped. “The whole office knows. He doesnt even bother hiding it!”
“You put up with it! So what if he strays? Hell get it out of his system and come back.”
“Hes taking his time,” I sobbed, remembering lipstick on his collar, strange hairs wrapped around his buttons, unfamiliar perfume. He didnt even pretend otherwise. Hed laugh. “Take it or leave it. If you dont like it, well split the flat and off you go! Whod want a washed-up little mouse like you?”
Why did I stay? The humiliation, the weeks of silence when hed look at me like I was dirt, never saying hello, never thanking meas if I were unpaid staff. When I told him my wages werent enough, that Sophie needed a phone, a laptop, that all the other kids had nice things, hed just smirk and tell me to find a better-paying job. “I pay the mortgage and the car. Thats more than enough.” Once, I lost it and screamed:
“Youre spending it all on Tanya! Everyone knows about the presents! Diamonds for her, but for us”
He slapped me before I could finish. Not hard, but the fact hed raised his hand at all It was like stepping into another life, some awful film where a knight would rescue me or the credits would roll and itd all be over. Anthony stood there, lips pressed tight, eyes furious and cold.
My friends complained about their husbands”he hits me sometimes.” I never understood it. How could anyone hit a woman, a man, a child, a dog? If youre defending yourself, fine. But because I dared to speak up? Yes, I shouted. What else could I do? He pushed me, cold and deliberate, until I snappedjust so he could play the victim. “Its not me, its hershes hysterical.”
I stayed for one reason only. I still loved him. Still hoped. With every passing year, that stupid hope grew fainter, and I finally worked up the courage to divorce him.
The chaos that followed! Even my mother-in-law took my side for once. “Its her or no one else.” I didnt believe her, but something got through to Anthonyalways Mummys boy. He came home with my favourite chrysanthemums, said hed made a mistake, that he loved only me. Loved! The word barely made it out of his mouth. We both knew it was a lie, but I chose to believe it. I hoped hed change. I got my hair done, my nails, borrowed money from Mum for new lingerie. I followed every stupid womens magazine tip to the letterexcept none of it worked. When someone doesnt love you, it doesnt matter what knickers youre wearing.
“At least youre married,” my single friend would sigh, not listening to my complaints, envious. “At least youve got Sophie!” As if shed jinxed the one good thing in my life.
Sophie changed. It was like shed absorbed Anthonys disdain, his hatred for me. Shed go days without speaking, or spit every word through gritted teeth as if it pained her. Stopped confiding in me. I only found out she was serious with a classmate because the neighbours smirked and asked if I was ready to be a grandmother.
“Cant wait!” I chirped back, while my insides turned to ice. She was only in her second year! What grandchildren? Had things really gone that far? I tried talking to her, but she exploded. Screamed that I was a petty, clueless housewife whod never known real love. The vitriol poured out of her like sewage. I ran out of the flat with one thought: where to drown myself. I cant swimit wouldve been easy.
But life isnt uniformly bad or good. I prayed for somethinganythingto break the cycle of spite and indifference. And for once, my prayers were answered.
Sophie scratched at the bathroom door while I soaked. We used to talk like this, years agome in the bath, her perched on the laundry basket, sharing secrets. My heart ached, but I clamped down on hope. She probably wanted moneynew jeans, a dress.
I opened the door, already calculating where to scrape together the cash. She sat in silence for a long time.
“Sophie are you pregnant?” My heart wanted to sink into the water, but I took a deep breath. “Its fine. A bit early, but well manage. Your dad will help, and the grandmothers will fight over who gets the first cuddle” I babbled nonsense, searching her face. My little girl. Still a child herself!
“Mum, shut up for a second, yeah? Im not pregnant. Steve knows how to be careful. But youre not totally wrong.” She hesitated. “He held me tight the other day and whispered, Have our baby. And now I cant stop thinking about it. I want to”
My limbs locked up in the hot water. “Have our baby.” A line from a dream Id forgotten. A dream I shouldnt have forgotten. And in that dream
“Annie, meet Stevehead of our programming team.”
Anthony was always charming in public, so I went to his work parties, even though I knew Tanya would be there, flashing new diamond earrings, waiting in some dark corner.
“Steve. Nice to meet you.”
He shook my hand, and I noticed his eyes were mismatchedone slightly larger than the other, giving him a faintly clownish look.
“Old injury,” he explained, seeing me stare. “Used to do karate.”
He wasnt embarrassed. He studied me right back.
“Youre a beautiful woman, Annie.”
I froze. Forgotten how to take compliments, how to flirtforgotten how to live, even. I stammered something about needing towhere did I need to go? I couldnt think.
“The ladies room?” Steve smiled, kind and pitying.
I wouldnt be pitied. I nodded coldly and left.
Thencuts, like in a film. A bonfire. Steve stacking logs, lighting it with one match. Staring at me through the flames in a way no one had in years.
Another cut. Dancing in a loud restaurant. Steve pulling me close, yelling in my ear
