14December
Ive been stewing over the call Mum gave me this afternoon. She sounded more exasperated than Id ever heard her, calling me selfish and lacking any sense of duty. Dont you see how badly Matt is getting on? Hes your brother, you could have helped him, she snapped. All you ever think about is yourself.
It all started when Mum asked me to swing by and collect my things from her flat in Bristol. Your stuff is blocking the hallway, she warned. The request came after I turned down Matts request for cash to put down a deposit on a new house. I didnt even consider it a loan I knew, in my gut, hed never be able to pay it back.
Matt stormed out of my flat that night, redfaced and fuming. He seemed convinced I should hand over my entire savings simply because he has a wife and children, while Im single. I needed to get this off my chest; it feels as if my own family is turning a blind eye to me, especially with Christmas looming.
When I moved to Manchester for university, I jumped straight into a parttime job. At first I lived in student halls, then I rented a onebedroom flat with a friend. I wasnt keen on leaning on my parents, so I made ends meet and even sent a bit extra to Mum. She never took money straight from me; instead shed ask for practical things a pair of boots, some warm coats, household bits. Whenever I visited, Id haul back bags of groceries.
Mum now lives in a threebedroom flat with Matt. Dad passed away three years ago. Matt never fancied study; after school he went off to work in Belgium, and the only thing he managed to buy there was a beatup car. Back in the UK he became a taxi driver, then married Emily and moved into Mums flat.
Money has always been a tightrope for them. Matt lives handtomouth; the moment his pay arrives, it disappears. Mum and Emilys parents often swoop in with a bit of cash or a grocery run. Knowing help is always around, Matt never feels the need to push himself or look for a better gig.
Now they have two youngsters and a third on the way. The flat feels too cramped, so theyve started eyeing a place of their own. As for me, I share a rented flat with my partner, Thomas. Were planning to marry, but have postponed the ceremony until were more settled. Thomas works as a software engineer; I run a few online shops. Were careful with our pennies, saving for a house where we can start our own life after the wedding.
Mum knew our plans, yet she still hinted to Matt that he could ask me for help.
They want to buy a house but have no deposit, Mum told me. When Matt showed up and asked outright for cash, I said no. He left in a huff, thinking I owed him because hes got kids and I dont.
Later Mum called again, her voice dripping with disappointment. You really have no conscience, she said. Dont you see how hard it is for Matt? Hes your brother; you could have helped. She added, Come collect your things. We cant get around your mess. And dont bother coming for Christmas Matts angry, and I dont want to see you either.
I didnt argue. Ill gather my boxes and stash them in our rented flat, and when Thomas and I eventually buy a house, Ill find a place for them there.
I could have lent Matt the money, but I know hed never return it. He never even asked for a loan; he just assumed Id hand over my savings because he has children.
If I were in his shoes, would I have expected that? How would I have acted? The question lingers as I pack my duffel.
