“Shell regret this!”
Thats what Oliver thought when his wife unexpectedly announced she was filing for divorce. Just yesterday, everything was fineshe was washing his socks and ironing his shirts, and now? Divorce papers! Absolutely no reason! Oliver worked hard, never raised a hand, barely went out, and drank in moderation.
“What more does she bloody want?!” he fumed. “Found herself some other bloke, has she? Well, shell regret this! Shell come crawling back in tears! Just you waitIll show her! Shell realise, but itll be too late!”
While he stewed in muttered outrage, his wife, Emily, was saying the same things shed been repeating for the last two years:
“Im exhausted doing everything alone! I work, I clean, I cook, I look after our son. Im fed up! Honestly, I did the mathsyou cost more than you bring home! When you vanished for three days last month, I realised life was easier without you! The house stays cleaner, quieter. I dont have to cook for youme and little Tim dont need a fry-up every night! When youre gone, even the stove stays spotlessI make a stew or some bangers and mash, and no one devours it all in one go! I just want things to be easier. Im tired of feeling like some worn-out housewife hauling shopping bags. I dont even like who I am when youre around. Youre embarrassing, expensive, and exhausting!”
“When was the last time you read Tim a book? Never? When did you take him to the park? Bathe him? What does he ever hear from you except Go away, Im knackered? Do you even know what school hes starting? His teachers name? When his swimming lessons are? You dont care! You live under the same roof but barely speak to him! All he sees is his dad either passed out with a beer or halfway there. What kind of example is that? Why does he need a father like you? Do you even remember his birthday? No? Whats the point of you? Im done!”
“And shes not bored of repeating herself?” Oliver had wondered just yesterday. This same dramatic speech had been Emilys nightly ritual while he shoveled down whatever shed cooked straight from the pan. “Typical womans nagging,” hed dismissively thought. “Just stirring up drama because shes got nothing better to do.”
Everything was fine! And nowdivorce! Out of nowhere!
“Shell regret it! Thinks some other bloke will want her? A thirty-something single mum? Ha! Ill walk out, and shell beg me back in two days. Then well see if I even bother!”
“Ive packed your things. I cant stand the sight of you anymore. Get out!”
“Fine!” Oliver mumbled through a mouthful of sausage. “Ill go! But whether I come backthats another question!”
Naturally, he gave her one last chance to change her mindlingering over his shoelaces, rustling his bags of belongings, hovering by the door. But she didnt budge. “Stubborn woman!” he huffed, regretfully eyeing the uneaten sausages before stepping out of her flat.
Off to Mums it was. She, of course, launched into the same old song: What happened? Whyd she throw you out? What did you do? It cant be for no reason
“Oh, but it can! She kicked me out over nothing!” Oliver insisted. “I did everything for that family! Worked my fingers to the bone! Brought home the bacon! And its never enough! Always moaning about shoes or coats! Wants some rich bloke, does she? Probably already found one! Thats why she dumped me! Bored, was she? Wanted more attention!”
Mum threw up her hands and rang Emily. But clearly, the call didnt go wellno one summoned Oliver back.
“Whatever! Shell regret it! Whod want her with a kid in tow?” Oliver reasoned, picking up discounted lager at the corner shop.
At the first court hearing, Emily had smartened upnew haircut, maybe a bit of makeup. Looked well. Smiling. Answered questions tersely: no real marriage left, did everything alone, no help, no support. Never bothered with the kid. Just typical hysterical nonsense, Oliver explained, trying to steady his trembling hands. Couldve used a hair of the dog, but hed held off before court.
The judgea woman, naturallysmirked.
“Do you drink excessively?”
“I barely touch the stuff!” Oliver spluttered. “Maybe a pint or two after work! This is just stressmy wife left me!”
“Right,” she said dryly, granting a three-month cooling-off period.
Oliver glanced at his almost-ex. Still not regretting it?
“Ugh, are you ever sober?” she wrinkled her nose at his stare. Guess not.
“Fine, Ill wait,” he decided. “Lets see how she sings in three months! No man around? Shell come crawling!” He relished imagining Emily begging him backonly for him to say no. Maybe return on *his* terms.
But for three whole months, Emily made zero effort to reconcilecourt order be damned! No calls, no texts. Acted like Oliver didnt exist.
“Shes definitely shacked up with someone!” Though cautious enquiries and social media stalking turned up nothing. Friends said she was alone.
So, by the next hearing, Oliver braced for triumphshe mustve realised how awful life was without him.
“Shell be in bits!” he dreamed aloud, even telling Mum, “Shell withdraw the petition, mark my words! Finally seen sense!”
And true, this time Emily wasnt smiling. Dead serious. Short answers. But she didnt back down. “Waiting for me to grovel,” Oliver guessed. “Not happening!”
Somehow, they got divorced. Oliver didnt object. Though there *was* one awkward bit.
“Who gets custody? Any requests?” the judge asked.
Emily jumped in: “With me. His fathers never cared. Ask himwhens his sons birthday?”
“Oliver James, when is your sons birthday?” The judge smirked.
Oliver fumbled for his paperssurely it was in there somewhere.
“No cheating!” she chuckled. Bloody women in powera male judge wouldnt ask such nonsense.
“Third of June!” Oliver blurted.
“Today! Its today!” Emily snorted. “Tim turns seven todayand you didnt even remember! Its the sixth!”
“Did you at least wish him happy birthday on the third?” the judge quipped.
Why do women get these jobs? Cursed matriarchy. Oliver stayed silent.
“Any objections to custody arrangements?”
“No!” he snapped.
Of course, the kangaroo court sided with Mum. “Probably slap me with child support too,” Oliver thought bitterly. But thenaha! Now Emily would crack! Her life was over! A divorced single mum? No one would want her!
ExceptOliver saw her outside, chatting cheerfully with a friend:
“Tina! What brings you here?”
“Oh, just some paperwork. You?”
“Finally divorced! Free woman now!” And she *laughed*.
Laughed! Oliver gaped. Her life was in ruins, and she was *laughing*! “Women have no brains! No sane person laughs on divorce day! She needs a psych eval!” He stormed over.
“cant today, its Tims birthday” Emily was saying.
Oliver cut in: “I thought youd be crying, but you dont care?!” he exploded. “Youll regret this! Ill sue for the house! And Tim! Youll see!”
“The flats my nans,” Emily said calmly. “And since when do you care about Tim? Whats actually wrong?”
“*Whats wrong?!*” Oliver ranted for agesruined the family, robbed his son of a father, stole everything, kicked him out, probably had some bloke lined up, doomed to die alone with forty cats.
Long after Emily had left, Oliver kept muttering, “Shell regret this.”
